Monthly Archives: August 2015

Looking for love in all the wrong places

“I don’t want to be always ready to move on after six months,” Melanie cried one afternoon.

Beautiful, high energy, and hurting, Melanie was trying to sort emotions after a recent break up that she had initiated. She was done with the man, who she had been slowly peeling out of her life for months anyway like removing shreds of skin after a bad sunburn.

The recently-booted man’s offense? Depends on who you ask, of course. He had become jealous and angry during the long process of being pushed aside. But it was clear Melanie no longer loved him and was ready to move on.

She didn’t really lament losing the man. She lamented losing one more chance.

“I’m getting older,” she said, which caused me to snort. She was barely into her thirties, though she had a four year-old daughter of whom she was fiercely protective. Melanie also self medicates, and is frequently offered drugs, money or “security” by men or women who want that quick mind, bright laugh and hard body in their life.

A psychologist once told me that infatuation lasts six to eighteen months, and love has to fill in from there, as a more satisfying, deeper relationship develops. But Melanie is a thrill-seeker: sexually adventurous, high energy, and possibly broken by a psychotic mother who left a trail of destruction through the childhoods of Melanie and her siblings.

“I am so afraid of being just like her,” Melanie cried.

“What do you want?” I asked about the relationship she envisioned.

“I want my best friend,” she said, very simply, but again started to weep. “But I haven’t been the woman the person I want to be with would be attracted to,” she said.

“There’s you answer,” I said. But that was much too glib. It will not be easy for Melanie. It’s not easy for any of us. She will have to forgo the offers of drugs or cars or marriage by men and women who want her to fill their fantasies, instead of making her dreams come true.

Though it’s easy to say she should be patient and discerning, it’s hard sometimes to hold out, or even know what’s real.

“Exposed” not available — for now.

We’re making some changes to Exposed by Jessica Love. Consequently, the book is no longer available for purchase. As of today, Amazon still lists the paperback for sale, but soon it will percolate through their system and the paperback will disappear as has the Kindle option. Used copies may still show up, I don’t know.

Changes to the book will not be huge, and are caused primarily by a redirection in marketing.

Exposed will be reissued quickly with a different cover, possibly a different number of pages in a different format, maybe a few paragraphs altered here and there. I don’t know, I may even stick in a new chapter or two!

One thing that won’t change is the attitude.

I will still be posting here, musings about love, sex and adventure, and will let you know when the book is relaunched. My hope is that will happen within a few weeks, less than a month.

I have to thank Green Darner Press. Exposed would never have seen the light of day were it not for their enthusiasm and support. I threw the manuscript at them a year and a half ago as I walked out the door to the jungles and sandy beaches of Costa Rica. I will forever remember the joy I felt sitting in a hammock in Samara when they wrote me, saying they wanted to be my partner in the project.

I’ll write more tonight. There’s heavy lifting to do now, to get this work done and the book into your hands.

~ J.

Sex, Love and Intimacy

It’s hard to sift the emotions we have around sex. Sarah lives where many of the contradictions are obvious.

“When you’re with your sugar daddy, doesn’t it feel ‘wrong’ to be so intimate? Doesn’t it feel odd, especially when you are in a relationship with someone else? Even in the polyamorous community, isn’t there jealousy?” I asked.

“Of course there’s jealousy,” Sarah says. “And it can get ugly. But in our group at least, there seems to be a deeper level of communication, openness and honesty.”

I thought about that for a while. If anyone can make love with anyone else, then I suppose much of the “possessiveness” within a relationship falls away. Or becomes obvious for the baggage it is.

“That’s exactly right,” said Sarah. “Even in ‘normal’ relationships, although our group thinks of monogamy as ‘abnormal,’ couples want to believe a partner is there because he or she wants to be there. We all recognize that being there only because of a wedding ring, or the children, or mutual dependence isn’t all that great. We all want our mate to want to be with us.

“It gets pretty clear quickly in our group if someone is bringing baggage, and it gets talked about. We see it for what it is, instead of what it pretends to be, all sorts of stuff about ‘you should do this’ or ‘you should not do that.’ It’s okay to say, ‘I feel…’  or ‘I need…’ ”

“But what about intimacy? Doesn’t the fact that you are having sex with your sugar daddy drive your boyfriend or girlfriend crazy?”

“The sex is easy. But I don’t lie close and all wrapped up all night with my sugar daddy. That’s an intimacy we won’t have. I don’t want to have that. I’m not going to fall in love with him, so there’s distance, there, too. Sex is not necessarily part of intimacy, or intimacy a part of sex, but intimacy is a part of love.”

“Doesn’t it become sex for money, then?”

“There is more to our relationship than sex. We are friends, he is a mentor, I offer whatever insights I have to questions he has, we do things together that we both enjoy. Why should the fact that we also have sex stain all of that?”

Sarah made me realize we often live our lives by rules, but rules can’t be a substitute for honesty and openness. Honesty makes us vulnerable, and can be difficult, but using rules to justify behavior, or find fault with the behavior of others, always fails the most important test.

We say “You broke the rules…” instead of saying “What you did doesn’t work for me…”

Instead of saying, “I want to be with you.”