Looking for love in all the wrong places

“I don’t want to be always ready to move on after six months,” Melanie cried one afternoon.

Beautiful, high energy, and hurting, Melanie was trying to sort emotions after a recent break up that she had initiated. She was done with the man, who she had been slowly peeling out of her life for months anyway like removing shreds of skin after a bad sunburn.

The recently-booted man’s offense? Depends on who you ask, of course. He had become jealous and angry during the long process of being pushed aside. But it was clear Melanie no longer loved him and was ready to move on.

She didn’t really lament losing the man. She lamented losing one more chance.

“I’m getting older,” she said, which caused me to snort. She was barely into her thirties, though she had a four year-old daughter of whom she was fiercely protective. Melanie also self medicates, and is frequently offered drugs, money or “security” by men or women who want that quick mind, bright laugh and hard body in their life.

A psychologist once told me that infatuation lasts six to eighteen months, and love has to fill in from there, as a more satisfying, deeper relationship develops. But Melanie is a thrill-seeker: sexually adventurous, high energy, and possibly broken by a psychotic mother who left a trail of destruction through the childhoods of Melanie and her siblings.

“I am so afraid of being just like her,” Melanie cried.

“What do you want?” I asked about the relationship she envisioned.

“I want my best friend,” she said, very simply, but again started to weep. “But I haven’t been the woman the person I want to be with would be attracted to,” she said.

“There’s you answer,” I said. But that was much too glib. It will not be easy for Melanie. It’s not easy for any of us. She will have to forgo the offers of drugs or cars or marriage by men and women who want her to fill their fantasies, instead of making her dreams come true.

Though it’s easy to say she should be patient and discerning, it’s hard sometimes to hold out, or even know what’s real.

3 thoughts on “Looking for love in all the wrong places

  1. Joyce Dingman

    Maybe Melanie just needs to come to terms with who she is as a person right now, and forgive herself for not being the person she wants to be. Sometimes forces out side our control make choices for us and by the time we realise we aren’t where we need to be, it’s late in the game.
    Quit beating herself up over whats past and just start making better choices. It sounds like she loves her little girl very much and she might start by being the kind of Mother her daughter will respect when she gets older. A good role model if you will. Take each day as it comes and make decisions that will bring her closer to that place where she wants to be. It probably won’t be easy, if it’s possible at all for her to turn her life around.
    Men are like street cars, theres always another one around the corner, but her daughter is forever. I would hope that if she could become a Mother she could respect it follows that she would become a person she could respect and then it’s easy to meet a man who would want the whole package. Good luck……… I married my best friend and it’s good to have that some one at your back.

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  2. Jessica Love Post author

    Joyce, Melanie is a good mom, and she seems to be breaking a pattern handed down to her by her own mother. These transitions are tough, and once again, I’m envious of the relationship you found.
    ~ J

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  3. Joyce Dingman

    I’m glad to hear that. It’s so tough to break these patterns learned at our Mothers Knees. My hope is that maybe Melanie might understand this and break the pattern she learned from her Mother. My Father was a compulsive gambler and I swore I would never marry a man who gambled. My Mother stayed with him way too long. So what did I do……… I married a gambler. To be honest, he didn’t gamble when we married, he only played a little gin rummy at the fire dept. It took me ten years to pack my stuff up and get the kids ready to leave. I had no idea where we were going but we were damn well going. He must have had his esp working because he came thru that door just as I was on my way out. Once he knew I wouldn’t play his game on his terms any longer he cleaned up his act. It wasn’t easy, and it didn’t happen overnight but it can be done because he loved us, he just had this itch. I think those types of “Mens, Men” aren’t really cut out for marriage but we do love those bad boys. Living with them is sometimes harder than you’d think. My Mother told me the first time she met him that if I married him I would never be bored…..and Boy was she right! So I know that you can turn your life around for love of your children……he did. If I could suggest a book that tell her to read, it would be “Women who love too much”. I forget who wrote it but it’s a self help book in the non fiction section. Really a lot of good common sense ideas. I think any woman would benefit from reading it.

    On another note……….I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be around………I keep having these dreams. My Grandaughter is 5 and she told me the other day…….”don’t die Grandma”. I want you to babysit my kids when I grow up. Sigh….. Now she’s going around with a teddy bear stuck under her shirt like shes pregnant. It’s just too funny. I think, she thinks if she has kids I’ll stay here to watch them. Her favorite bed time book is ” How to go out of body”. ……and boy is she mad that she can’t do it yet. Boy when I was 5 I was catching poly wogs………lol
    I have had the most interesting life………. More strange real life happenings that one person should experience unless you are writting for Outer Limits! I remember looking at the wall one night because it looked funny to me. As I watched a curtian opened and I could see movements and shadows. I walked over and looked in, and down….about 20 feet……… there was a man there working on a big computer unit and there were all these dials……he looked up…… and just nodded to me………then the window closed and the wall was solid again. One thing you need to know…..20 feet under our house was just dirt and foundation. We had a ranch type house with no basement. I doubt that any one would believe the next few years. I think I came as close to having a nervous breakdown as one little person can come. Only the fact that I have an immensely strong personality saved me. There are more things out there…………….. or down there………. than people know.
    Night Jessica……try to sleep now………. I have to laugh………or I’d cry. Sincerely, Joyce

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