Tag Archives: dating

You don’t know why, either.

Hi there!

Yes, its been a long while since I’ve written. Here.

In fact, I’ve been doing a lot of writing, lately. The second edition of “Exposed” is nearly complete. Oh my! What a project! When I embarked on a rewrite six months ago, I had NO IDEA what I was opening up. But, it’s worth it, and I hope you’ll agree. I’ll be sharing excerpts over the next few months as it goes through the editing process.

AND, the first draft of the second book is FINISHED! The working title is Dragonfly, and I’m excited to get back on that.

The reason I’m writing today is because I saw an article in the magazine “Science News” this morning. The upshot is that the microbes in our bodies may affect our moods, and hence our behavior.

“Though preliminary, such results suggest that the right bacteria in your gut could brighten mood and perhaps even combat pernicious mental disorders including anxiety and depression. The wrong microbes, however, might lead in a darker direction.”

Then there was a book review in the New York Times titled “Sext and the Single Girl” that wonders if women are getting the sex they want or need from their current lifestyles.

How do I tie these references together? Yeah, it’s a stretch, but here goes.

First, women will not get what they want or need out of sex until each determines exactly what that is, and it’s not easy to do so. It is even more difficult when there are conflicting demands: Blow job for a man who doesn’t want to return the favor? Eyes for the muscle bound gym-boy on the third week of this month but the CPA on the fourth? Etc.

If our microbiome is also at large in this process, in addition to our heredity and memories from a forgotten childhood, how the hell are we supposed to know what we want, and why?

The fact is, we often don’t until we’ve tried it, and even then it may change. We need to stop judging ourselves for how that goes down, or we do, if that’s what we feel like at the time.

Free will may not be our prerogative in the best of times, and certainly not when it comes to “the passions.” I don’t know. You don’t know, either. Don’t be too harsh, toward yourself or others.

That’s all.

It’s nice to be back.

~ Jessica

Multiple lovers

More of my friend Sarah: She is also “polyamorous.” We’ll cut to the chase on this one: Per Wikipedia, Sarah has “intimate relationships that are not exclusive with respect to other sexual or intimate relationships.”

“I just don’t believe we were designed to be monogamous,” Sarah says. Her sugar daddy knows. So did her last boyfriend: He also was part of  “The Lifestyle” as it’s also known.

This is brought up by the recent hacking of “Ashley Madison,” an internet site for those seeking to have affairs, a site for adulterers, if you will. The hackers threatened to release information on “clients” unless the site shut down. To those who think adultery is sport, or that you won’t get caught, all I have to say is: “Seriously?”

Sarah is honest and open about her engagement with others. She speaks of dating a “couple,” both very attractive, “he is verity sweet, she’s really beautiful.” She likes them both, and they both like her. She wouldn’t participate with them “if they weren’t both completely good with it.”

“They” were her “date” to an event just this last weekend.

Another point of view: Alice called me this morning. Because it’s Sunday, I asked why she wasn’t in church.

“I’ve not been to church in a while. It’s a conscience thing.”

“You!?” I said. Alice is one of the more devout people I know, and one of the most truly moral, not one who just wears it on her sleeve.

“I struggle with hypocrisy. It’s probably a temporary state, but living a double life doesn’t suit me well,” she said. The “double life” is caused by a new relationship — Alice and her new boyfriend have sleepovers. “I enjoy sex, but the church says I should not until I’m married.”

“I think you are more ‘Christian’ than a third of the people in church who ‘sin’ but don’t think twice,” I said. “You walk your talk.”

Alice wasn’t prepared to judge, but in our discussion of morality when I mentioned Sarah’s point of view, Alice said, “I think you just made my head explode.

“For me, having sex with someone I love is the ultimate intimacy, the ultimate gift we give each other. We give and receive a piece of each other. I don’t know how you share that.”

“We are able to separate sex from love,” said Sarah in a later conversation. “Sex is just sex. Enjoyable, wonderful, erotic, intimate. But it’s not love.”

“No. To connect two lives into one, to commit mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, completely to one’s life mate is immeasurable by any word …” says Alice.

Sarah’s split with her recent boyfriend wasn’t about sex, it was about emotional boundaries, and it appears to me she still loves him. They are just like other couples, except when they run into each other at parties, they may be having sex with mutual friends.

Obviously, I don’t have Sarah and Alice over at the same time for tea. Maybe I should, because each has the same kind of emotional and intellectual honesty I respect. I think they might like each other.

But here’s my point. Many in the “poly” community have said that the openness of their marriage actually made it stronger. Certainly, many of those not of that point of view have had relationships shatter because of infidelity.

Many of us have made love with someone we are not with today, and been in love with someone who did not satisfy us sexually. I don’t know where the gain or loss might be. Do those who favor the poly lifestyle have more or less than others? More sex but less attachment? Or are the monogamous constantly fighting their biology, denying a perfectly natural excitement of multiple couplings?

I don’t know the answers. But I do know that the responses we have go deep to the core of our lives.

~ Jessica