Tag Archives: ptsd and sex

Baggage in the bedroom (or car, club, limo, elevator, etc.)

We all have sexual history. If not, you are reading the wrong writer.

I don’t talk about past lovers with current lovers. It never turns out well. The insecure don’t believe they can ever compete, and those who want to compete with my past are completely absent from the present, which is where I need them to be.

Billy is a cool guy; sweet, tall, blond and a great body. I would sleep with him, too, if I didn’t worry about screwing (!) up our friendship. Okay, yes, we have but we don’t now and we’re both good with that for all the right reasons.

He’s one of the few male friends I have who can talk easily about sex. We had lunch yesterday.

“Karen and I were just rolling along, having a good time. She was on top of me, holding my arms down, kind of a dominance thing, I guess. Then I took her face in my hands to kiss her as gently as could be, and all of a sudden, she threw the “off” switch,” he said.

“She didn’t jump out of bed or anything, but she stopped participating. It was like she was willing to let me finish up, but her passion had left the room. You know how I am, Jessica (I do). If my partner isn’t having fun, neither am I. So I stopped, and asked her what was wrong.

“At first she said nothing was wrong, then said she just got uncomfortable. Eventually she said that one of her previous lovers used to hold her face like that.

“I told her that wasn’t me. She said, ‘I know.’ I said I just wanted to show her I was there, it was intimacy. She said ‘I know.’ I asked if there was anything I could do, and she said, ‘I don’t know.’ And then she got up, got dressed and left.

“I really don’t want it to end like that,” he said, “but she won’t answer her phone.”

Whew. Billy. He’s such a sweet guy, and Karen is going to miss a lot of good times with him, maybe more. I told him to move on.

Trauma in the bedroom can cause so many different kinds of hurt, and if there is physical hurt along with emotional hurt, there can be all sorts of issues to resolve that, unresolved, can last a long, long time. Because of the way we are wired at birth, and all of the socialization we’ve acquired since, the melody of sexuality has many overtones. When two people are out of tune, it can be really tough to find harmony.

Why did I tell Billy to move on instead of work it out? Because Karen wasn’t ready. She didn’t stick around to talk it through. She bailed out, which I know may have been her only option in that moment. But she’s carrying something from her past that it bled all over her thing with Billy.

That may not be her fault, but it’s certainly not his, nor is it his responsibility. Billy will be there for her if she returns. Billy is like that, and that’s just one of the things I really love about the man. But he can’t chase away her demons if she doesn’t stick around, and damage like that is potentially contagious.